Spoiler alert!! Spoiler alert!! Spoiler alert!!
But you probably have to see the movie first to understand me...
as well as I should have watch the previous episodes to be able to copy VII.
I didn't, so please take it easy as a pure and innocent story from the person with lack of the common knowledge about the crucial family tree and basics of culture.
And as always, enjoy ;)
On the very beginning there is a young Sylvester Stallone who seems to be the main hero of the movie. But he is not. Anyway, he has a map to the treasure - mythical Luke whom everybody's looking for, and I don't know why.
Then there is a guy in white, apparently belonging to the Dark Side, who gets marked with almost the same symbol as is used in Grimm season 5 and which Kiera Knightley paints on her face before one battle in King Arthur, maybe I saw it also in Avatar or Brave Hearts, not sure. And through this bloody ritual he decides that his true nature is actually not dark and gets rid of the white shell so you can find out that the whole black and white symbolism of bad and good stuff is definitely erased from the modern world and the magic - called the Force in here - remains simply in the shades of grey (oh yack, did I really use this metaphor). Even though I immediately fell in love with this guy, he's not the main hero either. The two of not heroes get together and crash in the planet of sand - did you see Dune btw? Yes it looks exactly like there, I was only waiting for the spice worms.
And they are separated. Dark not dark anymore meets a girl, who IS the main hero, and a cute ball which is - as I already knew thanks to one Facebook picture - a son of R2D2 and the Death Star. They escape together from the white power minions to the flat ship which everyone in the cinema recognized... except myself. The ship gets eaten by a bigger ship where we meet Harrison Ford (my tough followers can write down to their diaries that this man is my favourite actor ever) as a solo Indiana Jones (we can see his epic escape from the huge ball laters after he struggles in communication with that bastard from The Last Kingdom) and Michael York again in his favorite costume from Planet of Apes that apparently has no hole to let him normally talk so he oiks like the Little Pig from Pooh. Altogether they fly to another place, where is the bar looking exactly like that one from animated Heavy Metal 2000. I bet it's owner is the mother of one guy from Alice in Wonderland - the one with eyes on his palms. And she has a light saber - wooow. But she denies to say how did she come to it which was very annoying. Somewhere here you can also spot one actress from Game of Thrones.
Long story short they are attacked, then rescued by Sylvester and I think SHE is kidnapped and the rest is going to figure out the rescue plan with the support of Princess Leia, who is not Natalia Portman !!!??? But she had enough time to give a birth to the son of Solo who meanwhile deserted to the whitewalkers and was so good that wears actual black jersey of the popular team of Darth Vader. As peeps told me afterwards, DV was dead so I was waiting for his noisy "I've just got a flu" speech for nothing. I suppose, that because of that, the Son didn't have any other chance in seeking for a proper leadership than to pray to lord Voldemort who got almost as lovely scar as Harry has. No wonder so that when Son took of his helmet, he looked more like Snape's kid than Solo's. I missed guys from LotR, but at least another á la HP person, young Weasley - after he lost his precious half (twin) - took his chances and grown up to the red head version of Hitler (who lost his precious half too, so it makes kind of sense).
Little Snape and Solo are reunited when Solo and the team are saving HER and something tells me that with HER also the whole universe and it's human and all the creature's rights. Snape has even worse issues than the real Snape to choose the side and in one moment seems to want to hug his daddy and go back to mum. But! Then there is that scene like it was in I Legend, when he lost his dog. And Snape - as you can obviously predict several minutes in advance - kills his father (only father, no I'm your father). SHE sees it and when the whole huge bombing finale is coming, SHE fights Snape with all her Force - yes, well, she gets a tiny rest for a meditation with closed eyes - but SHE can afford it before she hurts him.
Then the earth under them cracks and divides them, and York picks HER up and take HER back to Princess. Meanwhile R2D2 awakes from his mysterious hibernation and meets his old friend, the golden one, with red arm - don't ask me what happen to him, I'm afraid I didn't see the episode. R2D2 and the cute ball show others the whole map to Luke and the main goal of the whole trip is reached. SHE lands on the same place as Kevin Costner did when he was searching for soil and I think that Ema Watson found it as well in Noah and some guy in the cinema just yelled "welcome to Ireland" and one of our german friends answered him "that's not Ireland, it's not raining", but actually it was filmed down in Kerry. SHE goes to the guy in the white cape and I was like Anthony Hopkins? Seriously Hannibal? But then he got rid of the hood and I was happy that YAY! I know this one! But he used to look much better... of course since it wasn't him, but Obi-wan I had on my mind.
No Liam Neeson.
And no extra scene after final credits.